Sometimes life EXHAUSTS me. I don’t know any other way of putting it. Sometimes I feel like I expend the majority of my energy trying to get it right, rather than actually engaging in whatever it is I am doing. I think part of the reason I have such a terrible memory is because so much of the time I am concentrating on what’s going on in my head, instead of what I am actually doing. And there are only two places I can go when I am in my head, the past or the future, and both are bad neighborhoods. Trying to be in two places at once is exhausting and ultimately impossible.  So constantly managing the shuffle between the two is EXHAUSTING.

I know that’s not what life is supposed to feel like, I know that’s not how God wants me to live out the time He gave me….. But that’s what life has felt like of late…..That being said, today was profoundly different – – like a-whole-other-life-different. And nothing changed but my perspective.

If you had to distill the essence of this post, you could do it by examining the difference between “taking the dogs for a walk” and “taking a walk with the dogs.” It’s a subtle, but powerful shift of perspective. If I look at my life as a to-do list, I grow weary, disengaged, lonely and resentful. If I view life as moments strung together like pearls from God, I am going to want to examine the luster of each one of those moments, engagements, chores, and encounters in a profoundly different way. I am going to want to live them, not just do them.

Am I engaging in my life, or just going through the motions? Do I spend my time checking boxes or actually being present in each of the activities that are on my list? Life, always demands that list, but how I go through it determines the quality of my life. I think my day was so different today because I managed to show up for the present  – – to find the luster God had tucked away in the moments usually lost in that mad and endless quest to get-it-done.

And that doesn’t mean I didn’t have to drag myself back to the present moment about 1000 times today, I did, but I didn’t beat myself up about that – – I just noticed I was in my head, worrying about something that had either already happened or had not yet occurred, and I gently brought myself back to the present moment and prayed that God would keep me there. I have to tell you, it worked. And the effect was remarkable. I had the kind of peace, all day, I have not experienced in a long time. And today was nothing special, in fact it was full of the kind of chores I least like doing: shopping, exchanging, returning, spending as much time in the car as out of it….just a regular day, trying to keep life afloat in a family of five.  But I found unexpected joy and peace in the living of it. The quality of my days ultimately determines the quality of my life and if I could string together some days like today, I would be building a legacy of abiding in Him.

Today was a quiet “internal” day and a vibrant external day. It was a day when I went easy on myself. Every time I got frustrated (which I noticed was remarkably often) I would remind myself to “reconnect,” be present, engage in the moment, don’t wish it away or want to get through it but actually experience it. I prayed countless times today for the strength and focus and calm to return to the present, just in that moment. And it worked, and it didn’t bother me that I had to “recalibrate” so many times – – I wasn’t sitting there judging myself on how well on did on STAYING in the moment, I simply was an observer, who was willing to constantly redirect my own attention, again and again and again, back to the now. What a lovely way to live….being nudged, with love, by the Spirit of God, back to the only place He can bless me.

At the Burlington Coat factory I saw a guy buying his son and himself matching shirts, one for a six year old and one for an adult. They were lime green. And the little shirt had a matching vest that came with it. He kept running back for price checks and I could tell he was debating, “One or both?” It must have been for a wedding or celebration of some sort. When he left the line for the third time, I arranged with the clerk to buy both for him, and I was able to sneak out before he returned.  And just like that the trip became not about the long line and the wait but about the gift – – and not the gift for him, but the gift for me.

In line at Marshall’s instead of looking at all the yummies along the checkout line, I played peek a boo with a little girl who looked like she might have been from Peru. Her big brown eyes were so beautiful, they made me want to cry. She looked at me in that long, direct and undisturbed way only children can. I love to be looked at that way; it allows me to look back.

At Bed Bath and Beyond, I had to enlist the help of Craig, who was unbelievably helpful in distinguishing shades of green and teal and blue. As it turned out, Craig didn’t work at BB&B, he was just very nice and very helpful and right on hue.

And then when I got home, instead of getting everything JUST SO, unpacked and ready for the morning, checking off my list as I went, I spent time with Bateman.  Nearly taller than me now, she crawled in my lap in the big chair, spilling bits of quinoa, one bite at a time, as she and I watched Olympic Show Jumping on You Tube, and had snacks.  Can I tell you, it may not seem glamorous in the retelling, but my day was RICH.

Between it all, I was able to do a few loads of laundry, make a meal, clean up as I went along, tend to the dogs, and really enjoy the evening. Slow, no real agenda, just time together in real life. Those are the important things. Time with my kids, relationship with those I love, time with God – – I got to do all of those things today and tonight as I am getting ready for bed, I don’t have the sense that my life is careening by, or that the day was wasted, I feel fulfilled, tired, content…but not exhausted, worn down or dreading another day.

I have always lived my life going, going, going, and trying to save up rest for later. But life doesn’t work that way. And even when I try and find rest later in all sorts of diversions, it doesn’t actually give me rest, because rest, like everything other gift from God, lives in the “right now.”

Life lived in real time is RICH, and needs no diversion. I didn’t need People.com tonight or even a mini binge on Hulu. I didn’t need to decompress from my day, because I actually lived my day. Life lived in real time doesn’t seek escape. I was able to breathe in the moments of my day today, by simply reminding myself – – again and again and again – – to be present, to be where I was.

Time is a gift from God – – that’s why they call it the present.